Up until this point in the story The Dad has not had a big role. The decision-making process was mostly "I" rather than "we." My husband was supportive, but pragmatic -- acknowledging that I would be taking on the bulk of the work, so I would need to be the one to decide. The journey was mostly my own, but I never felt alone.
I spoke to a lot of people whom I respect and I carefully held their opinions in my hands and inspected each one, felt the edges, absorbed the warmth. One of my favorite exchanges was with a lady who has taught my son some classes. She gets him, and he has felt that. I wanted wisdom from this special person in my son's world, so I asked her to meet me for tea. After explaining the potential scheme, she and I candidly talked. Her points were insightful, as she had worked many years in the public school system. We analyzed the pros and cons. There were a lot of both.
"So," I asked swirling the leaf fragments left at the bottom of my cup, "if you were me, would you do it?"
"Would I do it?" She looked thoughtful. I understood why my son loves her -- when she is with you, she is with you. She takes her time; her words hold meaning. A sigh, then a smile, then with a conclusiveness that hadn't been in our earlier open-ended musings, "My daughter is 27. Knowing what I know now... I would absolutely have done it."
Looking back, I think that discussion is what led me to telling my husband that I felt good about it. He told me that he felt like it was the right thing to do as well... And so we moved forward...
But what of my friend? My lunch companion, the one whose egg-forming contributed to my egg-forming? During all of this we were still meeting, exchanging emails with ideas, once we even went undercover and enrolled our kids in a very cool class at the New York City Center for Space Science Education. She was a brilliant planner -- coming up with potential schedules and tapping into professionals and institutions around the city. Yet, ultimately she decided that this is not the year for her family.
When I received the email telling me that she was not going to do it I have to say that I felt deflated. It is so much less-scary to do things with a friend. I did not begrudge her decision even the tiniest bit, but it did take the wind out of my sails. I texted my husband and then slipped into where the kids were sleeping, "Hey..." I poked my daughter, "If it's just us, just our family, do you still want to do the scheme?" Yes. I moved on to my son, "How much do you want to do the scheme?" Very much. I went back to my phone -- a text back from The Dad:
"We feel good about it for our family. We move on." And so at the moment when it all hung in the balance, The Dad made his contribution.
